Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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