Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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