Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
