she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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