Im at strip club and am horny
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
