Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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