What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
