people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
