You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
