You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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