I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
cat food counts as protein by the way
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
