life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
