i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
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Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
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Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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