There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
