I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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