y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
