Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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