I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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