I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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