Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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