im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
