Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
