do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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