Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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