Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
