Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
