The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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