I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
