you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
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maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
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This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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