i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
