she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
