I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How naked do you want me to be?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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