the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
