fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
