I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
