I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
