I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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