Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
