He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
