I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
