Apparently you make a good broom.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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