So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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