Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
