Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
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I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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