I want to make a zoo with you.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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