My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
