just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is my gift to your gina
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm bleeding and have questions
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
