she takes plan B like it's going out of style
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
