On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
