singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
FUCK WHALES
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