I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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