Betty ford says i'm here all night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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