The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
