The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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