its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
