Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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