I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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