I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
