someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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