pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
