So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
