I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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